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So. I got up my courage and checked my grades today. Actually, no; I just barrelled past my nerves.

My grades are the best they have been since I started college. I’m going to repeat that:these are the best grades I’ve gotten since I started college.

And that means a hell of a lot. Because getting good grades doesn’t just mean, yay, I learned things. It means I managed to smack my ADD into submission to get what I needed done, and for over half the semester, because of insurance, I was taking what basically amounted to a placebo to help me control myself. But even-like now, thankfully-when I’m on medication that works, that doesn’t mean I’ll get things done. It means I’ll remember to do them, I’ll think about doing what I’m supposed to, butIhave to be the one to actually choose to get them done. And when it comes to school, I generally haven’t put that much of a priority of getting things done. It’s not something I’m that proud of.

But I did it this semester. And not only did I do well, but I did well in a semester where I spent a good amount of time in the first few weeks of it breaking down in tears. The last time I felt this bad, I started failing my classes. Which is worlds away from what happened, and to be honest, I’m still a bit in shock about my grades.

And I think quite a bit of it is due to the fact that this time, I didn’t feel nearly as alone. Liz helped get me out of my room, gave me someone to be ridiculous with, looked after me and taught me that, actually, I amnotobligated to be emotional support when I’m a mess myself. [And yes, it took this long for me to get that.] Ashle talked me down from a nervous breakdown, and has consistently been there to listen, help explain what’s going on in my life, call me out on my bullshit, and be ridiculous with me. And Gareth and Zoe…with you two, I especially feel like I’m not giving what I’m getting back, and I’m afraid I don’t know how. You both cheer me up by how wonderfully ridiculous you are together. And you’ve let me be able to feel like part of a group when I still didn’t feel that talkative. It means a lot. When I look at what I’m typing, it seems like such a silly thing, but you guys helped me not feel alone, and I always knew that no matter how bad I felt on any given day, I was still a cut above the rest on your lists of Stupid People/People Getting Caned.

Liz-I know you think you didn’t do as much for me as you could have. You had your own problems to deal with this semester, and I wish I could have helped you more with them. But you were there at a time I really needed to not be alone, and you helped me be able to put myself first, which is ultimately what saved my ass from getting bogged down in Sad this semester. I owe you on a level I can’t fully express in words.

Ashle knows what she did and that I am incredibly greatful, and I would have done so much worse without her help.

And S, thank you for doing what I love you for; no matter how bad things got, you could always make me laugh. Doing that-and teaching me how to do that-have changed my life for the better in so many ways.

Last year, I crawled away from school shaky and miserable, just waiting to curl up into my own bed and sleep. This year I sang most of the way home. I won’t lie, I’m giving me a lot of credit  for how things turned out—but I didn’t do it alone, and thank goodness I didn’t have to.

Thanks, guys.

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